Whose job is it, anyway? Family Chores

Host:  Dr. Jennifer Hunter, Assistant Director for Family and Consumer Sciences Extension, University of Kentucky

Guest: Dr. David Weisenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development

Episode 18

0:00 Welcome to Talking FACS; what you need to know about family, food, finance and fitness. Hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program, our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families and communities to improve quality of life.

0:20 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Hello and welcome back to Talking FACS. This is your host, Dr. Jennifer Hunter, Assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.

Today, I'm pleased to have joining me, Dr. David Weisenhorn, our Parenting and Child Development Specialist. Today, we are going to discuss the topic of family chores or maybe even answer the question of “Is it a good idea to give our kids chores or not?”

This is a topic that we have discussed quite a bit at our household and I often talk to some of my other mommy friends about chores, and how we implement chores, and what type of chores are appropriate.

So, David thank you for being here today and sharing additional information with us.

0:56 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yes, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited about the topic.

0:59 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: So let's just get started with the importance of family chores.

1:04 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yeah. So, this actually is a topic that came from my personal life and my wife…

1:10 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Those make the best topics.

1:11 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yeah, right. It's this kind of research you want to do. Me-search, right?

1:13 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Right.

1:14 Dr. David Weisenhorn: So, this idea arose when my wife and I have been wanting to get out more on the weekends and we have two small children; 5 and 7. And so, there's a lot of cleaning up around the house. We have a larger house now and so, it's requiring much more maintenance and a lot more chores to do. And this idea of, “We're doing chores all the time and we don't get any time to play and the weekend is over, you're like, ‘I'm ready to do something now that I don't have any time’”.

And so, it kind of came up of like, “Well what about involving the kids?” You know, it takes a lot of time to keep a house clean and do all the chores. So, I'm like, “We've got two extra hands here. Let's get these kids involved”.

1:55 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Let's put them to work?

1:56 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yeah, of course. My wife is like, “No, David don’t. Do you think 5-year olds are really ready to cut grass?” and the answer to that is, “No, please”.

2:04 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: No.

2:05 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Don't at all let your child cut grass. But there are things that our children can do. And so, I started poking around, Jennifer, and what I found was that chores are actually really good for kids to do. They're good in a lot of ways.

One specific topic or research study that was done in 2002, saw that kids involved in routine household tasks are less likely to engage in delinquent behaviors. And what they mean by delinquent behaviors are running away, using drugs, being suspended from school, or having a higher level of behavioral problems. And I thought, “Wow, now that's pretty sweet” right?

2:41 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: That's good advice.

2:42 Dr. David Weisenhorn: That’s right.

2:43 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: That’s supporting your theory.

2:44 Dr. David Weisenhorn: I'm like, “Wow. So, we need to get these kids a broom and get them working on the house”.

And so, doing some more research, you find that not only is it helping the child, but it helps the family operate as a team. And one of the things I always tell my kids is this cheesy little saying that, I didn't make it up but I adopted it, and it's “Teamwork makes the dream work”. And so, I’ll start the beginning of that and say “Teamwork” and they'll say, “Makes the dream work”.

And so, operating as a team seems really important for me. It's something that I value and I want my family unit to be operating that way and this research indicates that hey this actually helps you operate better as a team. So, again, I feel like, “Man, we definitely need to incorporate chores into our daily routines”.

3:30 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Well, I think in some ways it's working towards a common goal. And that if everyone is pitching in and everyone's working towards that common goal that everyone can also feel success when it is achieved.

3:39 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Oh, I love it. You're so right on top of it and there's science that backs that up.

And a 2016 study has said that chores actually enhance interpersonal skills. This idea of responsibility. Wow, that's something that a lot of kids are lacking and it is a driver for suicide ideation, and we can talk about that at a different time. But it also enhances educational attainment and career success. And it does this idea of also creating in the mental health field, empathy.

So, that's something that I get a lot from parents is, “How do I help my child be more empathetic?” It comes with this team member aspect of, “Hey, when we work as a family and together we become one as a unit. Now, I feel bad when I hit my sister”.

4:23 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Yeah, I think that's a great takeaway. That's not necessarily one that I had thought of previously, but I can definitely see how chores could help develop empathy within children. So, that is definitely a great idea.

Okay, now. I'm going to ask you a hard question. But you know that I use these conversations to make points. Okay.

4:41 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Sure.

4:42 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: So, I'm going to reference your answer at home.

4:43 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Okay.

4:44 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: We have one child, and I won't tell you which is which, but we have one child that's very neat and one child that is very messy. And so, one of the chores that we often give them to do, and they'll rotate on this, is to clean up the living room. And our neat child often makes the argument of why does he/she have to clean up that space, because the other one is the one that has made the mess.

5:14 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yeah. We don't have the same children and you know that and I know that, but we've got very similar children, and I have that very same argument that happens at home.

And the reality is chores are not a punishment, and we need as parents to make sure they don't feel that way. Chores are a responsibility of being a part of the team. We've got things that we have to do in the household and so we have to work together as a team.  

And so trying to curb that, like “Why?” and this fairness thing comes up a lot, “It's not fair, because he's the one that's messing it up” or “She is the one that's messing it up and I'm having to clean it up”.

And sometimes, I've squashed it. I don't know that I’ll recommend this, but I'll share it with you because I like to do that. You know, I've said, “Hey, listen. I clean it up after you two all the time. You're making messes all the time. It's not my responsibility to clean it up. We are working together as a family. And if you do this and begin this, then next week, he will do this or she will do this”.

And so, I think being able to rotate that can help that, but be prepared for that conversation.

6:11 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Yeah, definitely. It is one that comes up and all the time. And I do think that idea of shared responsibility is good. I will also say this about chores that especially as our son has got older, he's been able to take on more and more chores. That might be the next question I’ll ask is about age appropriate chores.

But I've noticed so, now he cleans the dinner table, he puts away any leftovers, he loads the dishwasher, he'll prepare the dishes that don't fit in the dishwasher to be washed, etc. But it has made him much more aware of the food waste, the type of food we eat, what it takes to clean up after dinner.

6:49 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yes.

6:50 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: And so, it's also make him a neater eater.

6:51 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Well, and that's a great byproduct.

6:55 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: There's not food on the floor, it's on the table.

6:58 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yeah.

6:59 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: He's become much more aware of how much work goes into the cleaning up after the meal.

7:06 Dr. David Weisenhorn: I like that, because it builds in gratitude. So, not only are they becoming more aware of the messes that they make, which is a great thing. We want all people in society to begin to understand that the mess they make, there's an environmental value to that, and possibly economic.

There's a value to understanding what our footprint is and then also this idea of building gratitude. Like my children, the more that they clean up, the more thankful they are for the dinner, which is really odd. To me, it feels odd, but it does, and it cultivates this gratitude.

You know, it's interesting, and I'm going to kind of switch a little bit. You're talking about your son and the difference in ages and we can talk a little bit about the importance of making chores age appropriate. You definitely want to do that.

And one thing that my daughter, she's the older one, will say is like, “Well, Elijah doesn't have to do this”. And my response to her a lot of times is, “Well, and you didn't either when you were his age”.

8:09 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Right.

8:10 Dr. David Weisenhorn: And so, understanding that there is more responsibility as you begin to age. And so, giving them more responsibility in the chores, or maybe more physically demanding chores, or more intellectually demanding chores is 100 percent appropriate and I think that that helps them in their development.

8:29 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Hey, I'm going to ask you another tough question.

8:31 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Please.

8:32 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Should children get paid for doing chores at home?

8:35 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Heck no. No. And that's really good question. So, again in the research, it looked at whether or not children benefit from being rewarded monetarily or financially for their labor. The finding was, “No, they do not”.

As a matter of fact, they're less likely to feel any sort of association with the family, they feel less responsibility for it, and are less likely to complete the task. Because oftentimes, I think what they said, and this was not in the research, but what happens is that people begin to value: They don't believe that what they're doing is equals the value of what they're being paid.

And so, the idea is not that, “Hey, listen. If you do these chores, it's going to help you as you get a job” and I think that was the original idea is that this is preparing them for future employment, and this is good for them to see that when they do a task that we should be rewarded financially.

But the reality is that's not how families operate. You do what's part of the family because you're a part of the family. And that gives him that responsibility and it gives them something, a purpose for being a part of that family too.

So, it actually undermines. So, good to all parents is, “Hey save those $5 and put it in your own wallet”.

9:55 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Right. But let's also differentiate between paying child to do chores, but then also providing an allowance to a child that those can be two separate things.

10:05 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Absolutely, and it should. And I think if you want to provide your child an opportunity to gain money, I think that's fine. Those need to be above and beyond what your normal chores are. “If you want to wash my car and I'll pay you for that, please do that”. That's fine, but that's not going to be your weekly chore.

Your weekly chores, I'm talking about taking out trash and helping either put dinner on the table, setting the table, clearing the table, cleaning up afterwards, cleaning your room, making your bed, those sorts of things, in my mind, are just daily operational chores that have to take place in a in a household. And so, those should not be monetarily rewarded. Those need to be responsibilities and chores and that helps again with the development of the child.

10:53 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Right. And as you say, we often tell them at home that there's just certain expectations for being a member of this family. And those expectations do definitely change just as they age. There's certainly our son, who is seven years older than our little girl, so we have a significant age gap. His set of expectations is very different.

And I think initially, that was a little bit difficult on him to understand, but as time has gone on, he does recognize that his skill sets are different, and his ability to do is very different, and his ability to contribute is very different as well.

I also think that I've noticed that as he has aged that he also seems to realize how much work goes into being a family from mom and dad's perspective and that he can see that he can take some of that off of us. So, for example, the cleaning up of the dinner, I think he has realized, “Wow, this is a lot of work for the person that prepares the meal, and sets the table, and gets it on the table, and then cleans it all up” that he seems to, I don't know that enjoy is the right word, but he seems to appreciate contributing by being able to take that piece off of our plate and put it on his plate.

12:00 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Absolutely.

12:01 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: But that's come with age.

12:02 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yes. And that's a good point. And I think it will. And again sticking with being consistent and saying you know what, as a part of that, I get a lot of parents that ask me, “How do I make chores fun?” Chores aren't fun and they're not really supposed to be fun. Can you make some chores fun? Sure you can. And I would encourage if you can do that, to make it fun.

But children need to understand that chores are just a part of life. We do things that aren't fun. My life is not always fun. I have a lot of fun in my life, but it's not always fun.

And so, for children to understand that at an early age, I think, helps set them at a healthy perspective on life in general.

12:39 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Great, great. I think all good information and good topic to discuss today that I can also play at home.

12:45 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Yes.

12:46 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: My kids love when I say, “Well, you know, our parenting and child development specialist said…” they love her and I bring her tidbits home.

So, thank you so much for joining us today, David.

12:56 Dr. David Weisenhorn: Thank you for having me.

12:59 Thank you for listening to Talking FACS. We deliver programs focusing on nutrition, health, resource management, family development and civic engagement. If you enjoy today's podcast, have a question or a show topic idea, leave a ‘Like’ and comment on Facebook @UKFCSExt. Visit us online at fcs.uky.edu or contact your local extension agent for Family and Consumer Sciences. We build strong families. It starts with us.