Coping with Addiction during the Holidays

Host: Dr. Jennifer Hunter, Assistant Director for Family and Consumer Sciences Extension, University of Kentucky

Guest: Alex Elswick, Extension Associate and subject matter specialist for Substance Abuse Prevention and Recovery

Episode 26

0:00 Welcome to Talking FACS; what you need to know about family, food, finance and fitness. Hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program, our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families and communities to improve quality of life.

0:20 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Hello and welcome back to talking FACS. This is your host, Dr. Jennifer Hunter, Assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky College of Agriculture, Food and Environment.

Today, I am pleased to be joined by Alex Elswick our subject matter Specialist for Substance Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Alex has joined us to talk about a fairly tough topic of coping with addiction during the holidays. Thanks for being with us today, Alex.

0:46 Alex Elswick: Thanks for having me doc.

0:47 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: As I think about the holidays and I think that we all notice that we look forward to them and they're joyous time of year. But often, families have a lot going on in the background that can make the holidays a stressful situation. And certainly, a family that has a loved one that is suffering from addiction can definitely make the holidays more difficult.

So, what type of information do you have to share with those families that may be facing that?

1:14 Alex Elswick: Yeah. I think addiction is difficult all the time, but somehow it seems people particularly seem to suffer during the holidays because it's sort of set against the contrast of other families having a joyous time, enjoying the holidays with their family members.

So, one of the things that we recommend from the beginning is managing expectations and getting the whole family on the same team to work against the problem.

So, I would often counsel family members to sit down and communicate with one another about the expectations they have moving forward with their addicted family members so that everybody's sort of on the same team.

1:50 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Honestly, when you talk about managing expectations at the holidays, I think that might be true for all families that sometimes, we all put unrealistic expectations on ourselves regardless of what the family may be dealing with in the background.

So, what would be or how does a family go about that? Is that a conscious conversation that they have with the other family members regarding expectations?

2:12 Alex Elswick: I think that's the best way to do it; to sit down as a family, have the discussion with or without the person.

2:19 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: That was going to be my next question.

2:20 Alex Elswick: Sure, it sort of depends a little bit on maybe the severity of their addiction and what their mindset is like. It may be best that if they're in an addicted state that you have the discussion apart from them.

And part of the focus of the discussion should be on deciding what the boundaries are. So, what is it that we're willing to accept, what's acceptable to us and what is not. And in most cases, that's going to be not allowing drugs or alcohol in the home and not having someone who's intoxicated at home.

2:52 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Okay. So, what about a situation that maybe you have a large number of extended family coming in to visit for the holidays. How much information should you communicate with them about maybe the family member that could be suffering?

3:09 Alex Elswick: What I would recommend is that you sort of prep ahead of time for your kind of your stock answer. And this is both for a person who's addicted at their family's holiday and for the family members.

Because inevitably, the question's going to come up in some respect and it's best to sort of be prepared for how you want to address the question. And you can sort of decide as a family how much you wish to divulge.

And I think again that's where having the open lines of communication among family members make the most sense so that everybody's on the same page and sort of being honest to the same extent.

3:42 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: So, I understand that having the conversation with family members ahead of time is a good first step. How do you go about having that conversation or how do you start the conversation with the family member that is addicted?

3:54 Alex Elswick: Yeah, that's a great question and it's a critical thing to do. So, once the other family members have sat down and established some boundaries for their expectations, then it's important that they're clearly communicated to the person who's addicted so they have an understanding of what's expected of them.

And I think a good way to go about it is to be loving, but also firm. And to be able to say, “I really care about you. I really want you to be here to enjoy the holidays with us. But if we're going to invite you into our home, we have some expectations that we ask you to abide by”.

And that may be communicating to them that they can't be intoxicated when they come for the holidays or they can't bring drugs or alcohol with them, and if they're not able to meet those expectations, then they need not come.

4:39 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: And I assume that there should be some planning ahead, in terms of the family menu or what may be served. That if the family normally maybe has wine as part of their holiday celebration, that they're very cognizant. Especially, if they're traveling with that family member or maybe to an extended family member's house. That they've communicated those concerns ahead of time.

4:59 Alex Elswick: Yes, alcohol during the holidays, when you have a family member who's addicted or in recovery, is challenging. In part because, I often tell people, there shouldn't be an expectation that everyone in the family is going to change their drinking behaviors because one person has a problem with alcohol or is in recovery. In many ways, that means that person's addiction is still controlling the way the family behaves.

So, we wouldn't necessarily have that expectation, but I think you used the word cognizant. Being cognizant of the fact that maybe you have a family member who is struggling.

And so, that may mean that the family drinks more in moderation, it may mean that the family begins drinking a little later in the evening so that you could set it up such that your family member who's addicted or in recovery can come for an early part of the evening, have dinner, enjoy time with the family and then take their leave as the family begins to drink.

5:52 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: Okay. What about communication with kiddos? So, if you have little ones that are in the house during the holidays and maybe mom or dad are walking through addiction with one of their brothers or sisters, so a child's aunt or uncle. How much information should you share with the little ones about what one of their family members may be struggling with?

6:14 Alex Elswick: It's important to keep in mind always that that conversation needs to be age and stage appropriate, such that the kids have the wherewithal to understand the information you're giving them.

But from a small child, all the way up to an adult, I think an effective way to frame addiction is as sickness, because of course, addiction is a disease. To say that Uncle so-and-so is sick and has a bit of a problem, can be an effective way of communicating to the child that something's wrong, so that they're not held out of sort of this family secret. But also of not stigmatizing the individual.

6:54 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: And I think you just brought up a good term there; “A family secret”. I can just imagine in my head, especially if you have a large family, of whispers around the table.

And so, I think that the tips that you've given about the open communication and sharing expectations at the beginning may help reduce some of that and I think calm all anxieties during the holiday season.

7:16 Alex Elswick: Absolutely.

7:17 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: So, do you have tips or resources; let's say a family has this conversation about expectations with their loved one and it's just determined that maybe it's not the right time and place for that individual to join the family.  

I can see for the family how hard that that would be and how much that they would struggle, missing their loved one that day, and then I can also see for the individual that’s suffering from addiction, how much harder the holiday season-Every day is hard, but how much harder that day could be.

Resources for either side that are just thoughts that they should have or areas that they should explore.

7:56 Alex Elswick: So, first I would say it is an incredibly difficult time. And so, I would hope that family members would have compassion, not only for the person who's addicted, but also for themselves as they go through. There's no clear prescription on how to handle the situation.

And if the family comes together and communicates and decides that their loved one is not in a place where they are welcome in their home, I think there are certainly times when that's a perfectly reasonable conclusion. It's important that that be communicated to the person. It can be communicated in a loving way.

And you could consider going out and having sort of a separate holiday dinner in a public place with them where you may not be as concerned about them being intoxicated, being under the influence of drugs or alcohol or something like that.

As for resources, I think using 12-step programs and support groups as they're available are really important during the holidays.

One of the things I recommend for people who are addicted or in recovery, and this sounds strange, but I tell them to park at the back of the line when they get to the house, so they can pull out if they need to leave.

And be aware of when meetings are, so that if they get into family holidays and things get awkward and they get to feeling some sort of craving, then they're able to make their escape.

9:09 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: And there would be resources available for family members as well.

9:13 Alex Elswick: Absolutely. There's a companion program to Alcoholics Anonymous called ALANON. And especially in a city like Lexington and more of a metropolis, there are meetings held pretty frequently. You can contact the AA main office to find those days and times.

9:28 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: And I think the idea about maybe scaling down or going out to dinner or celebrating your holiday in a different setting. I like that idea because again, I feel like the holidays have so much expectation and if you're celebrating at the same place you've celebrated since Santa was coming when you were little and eating grandma's cream pie, etc. that there is a lot of emotion, a lot of feelings, that go along with that type of celebration.

So, possibly, switching the celebration up is not only beneficial for the individual that could be suffering with addiction, but also just the family in general. Because it does change the expectations for what a joyful day could be for them as a family.

10:12 Alex Elswick: No doubt. Certainly, we don't have the expectation that families will totally reorganize when someone gets into recovery for example. But at the same time, it's a very cool way for a family to recover together and to be supportive of one another. To sort of say, “Hey, let's use this as an opportunity to create a new ritual for our family”.

10:30 Dr. Jennifer Hunter: And I like that. I like the idea of creating new rituals for all families. Just as we grow as families and change as families, that again regardless of the family, I think we just set so many expectations during the holidays that kind of creating our own path sometimes is a really good way to go.

Thanks for joining us today, Alex.

10:49 Alex Elswick: Thank you.

10:50 Thank you for listening to Talking FACS. We deliver programs focusing on nutrition, health, resource management, family development and civic engagement. If you enjoy today's podcast, have a question or a show topic idea, leave a ‘Like’ and comment on Facebook @UKFCSExt.

Visit us online at fcs.uky.edu to learn more about the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension program or contact your local extension agent for Family and Consumer Sciences. We build strong families. It starts